3 drops

Three days of school left. Luckily that's how many drops of blood I've got left in me. What a year. Came in roaring and its ending in a similar fashion. I'd like to take 2011-2012 and put it in a box, lock it up and toss it into the Pacific. But wait, I don't have access to the Pacific anymore. And saying, "I'm gonna lock it up and toss in the lake just 5 miles from my house" just doesn't do the act of wanting to move past this year any justice. I know I'm supposed to learn lessons having gone through the struggles and trials I've encountered this year. I just haven't gotten any perspective yet. The wounds are still fresh, my emotions are still running high, and I am just completely spent in every way. I feel like a washcloth that has dried out in a wrung position. The wringing had been taking place all school year and had not let up. Not even when there are only 3 drops left.

2012

well happy new year! in the middle of a much needed 3-day weekend. spent yesterday grading a bunch of papers while tay and cody were out with aunty meredith (thanks a bunch aunty mere!). the start to the new year has been slightly rough, hoping that in june things will start to turn around. well, in chucky's case, earlier. he is destined to be in the office, where his passion and talents are able to flow freely and with purpose. although he enjoys parts of his current position, i'm sure it's tough to feel "caged" in a situation that you aren't doing something that truly makes your heart sing. my fingers are crossed that *something* happens this spring.

was looking at old pictures of kai last night. i still think of her at least twice a day. i love that dog. and while i was looking  at some old photos, my heart smiled. and i feel so blessed to have had time with her and at peace that she is happy and vigorous in heaven.
 

jack handey

first quiet moment for me in a while. the boys are asleep, tay's left for a big, exciting day. i find myself feeling so much, but not saying as much. so many thoughts and memories flood my mind. and, some heaviness i didn't quite expect. i wasn't prepared for the slingshot back into time, and the emotions that go with it. such bobs and weaves, my life. i have much to be thankful for, my life is rich with many people and blessings in it. i will have to focus on that today and deal with the emotions i carry and keep inside.

so, i leave you with a deep thought:

whenever i need to "get away", i just get away in my mind. i go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the weather is perfect. there's only one bad thing there: the flies! they're terrible!

the pause

i was warned by the vet and others that this would happen. i just had a kai-moment. we just came home from the day, and although the hustle and bustle of the daily routine has kept me distracted each day at this time the last week, today there was a pause. and then looking at the spot where she meets me in the foyer when i come home. instead of her enthusiastic tail-wagging and open-mouth smile, i see nothing. i hear nothing. no panting, no collar and ID tags jingling, no chewbacca-like sounds coming from her mouth. only the fan blades swishing through the air and the air conditioning blowing through the vent. the house is still and empty, even though everyone's in it. everyone, except her.

kai, 2002-2011

Dear Kai,

I know there are people out there that see pets as pets, an invisible boundary that separates the people in the family from the animals. What people could tell you, which you already know, is that I cared for you as if you were my child. And I did. From the start I wanted to provide the care and loving environment as I did for the baby that was on her way. You were more than just my pet, you were my family.

Your personality was one I will cherish forevermore. Your cautious nature and how you were always aware of your surroundings. How you excitedly greeted me at the door each day. Your slobber all the time, everywhere. Your playfulness even when no one really wanted to play at the time. Your unawareness of your size or strength. Your need to check if everything was ok when you sensed something or someone was not. How you followed me around the house just to be near. Your sensitivity and preference to leave the room when arguments were taking place. Your mischievous moments of lounging on the furniture while no one was home. Your smile when you were so happy and content. Your breath on my face while I was in still in bed to let me know you needed to go out in the morning. Your intuitiveness about fulfilling an unspoken need of your presence around me during times of sadness.

Throughout my life, from high school and on, I have only allowed myself to count on one thing, me. I am a firm believer that if you want/need something YOU have to do things to help make it happen. But you have taught me to allow myself to count on you too. For being there for me through all the wonderful and difficult changes in my life the last 9 years. Which is why your departure from this earth is so difficult for me. I know you are now in such a better place than this, free from discomfort and the invasion of cancer.  And, I love you enough to garner all my strength to try to sustain my belief in that.  However, in my moments of weakness, extreme sadness washes over me and I miss you terribly. I miss you for me, and that, is not what you were all about. So I hope you can forgive me for my selfishness when it is now your time to be given to. You have given to me your whole life and I hope that my final act of being “your person”, though difficult, has shown you how much I love you and want you to be as content as you have helped make me.  You will always be “Mama’s doggie”, my family, my companion, my constant. And I know deep in my heart that we will once again, be together.

Love you,

Mama 

job-induced ADD

by nature i am a very focused person and try to operate in the most efficient manner possible. so, it brings great discomfort and an out-of-body experience whenever my job causes me to behave in a scattered and disorganized way. i get like this when i'm overwhelmed. too much to do, not knowing where to dig in and just START. i'm sure if i had had a hamster in my classroom yesterday it would have had some advice for me since i probably would have made it tired watching me surpass his "wheel skills" as i circled my room, going from thing to thing without really tackling the area i was briefly visiting. sigh. SO in true jonelle-fashion, i got out my notebook last night to yes, jonelle-peeps, you guessed it, PLAN. i am hoping today is much more productive, i'd really like to kick some "moving-to-a-new-classroom" ass.

the house of kai

i love this dog. many have told me i treat her as if she were my daughter and...that's correct (thoughtful agreement to the consensus head bob). i didn't set out with that outcome in mind, but things have a way of navigating in a certain direction with the deliberate and involuntary "way" one goes about living one's life. and i am rewarded tenfold, every day. chucky affectionately jokes that she is like the secret service. always there, lurking behind you with the only hint of her existence is her sudden warm breath upon your arm or leg with her whiskers tickling your skin. she even crawled into bed with uncle steve while he dog-sat for us last year. already half-asleep, he thought she was his wife but then moments later heard uncharacteristic snoring and then the bed started shaking. in confusion he turned to see a 125-pound mass of fawn fur having a "chasing rabbits" dream (which is pretty common among dogs, but it becomes something quite more when the thing that's running in its sleep weighs as much as a grown human). in case you're wondering, my aunt slept on the couch that night. uncle steve always laughs when he tells that story...and my heart beams when he finishes it, always with the same sentence while chuckling: "i love kai-doggie." i know, anyone who meets her & gets to know her ends up saying that too. she is extraordinary.

never very far, no matter what you are doing around the house

warms my heart